Mindless eating and self reflection..

I started to binge mindlessly eat. Heres what I have eating today thus far to start the post off.

• 3 eggs
• 1 cup of coffee
• granola bar
• protein shake
• granola bar
• 10 crackers
• 2 tbsp of Homus
• 40ish chips
• 2 Tbsp of Light Cream cheese
• 1 piece of bread with Cream cheese
• 6 hot wings

That is it so far but when it ended it was about 3pm and I know I will be hungry at dinner time which is around 6pm. This totals out to be 2136 well over my personal caloric idea, and by dinner over the one Allan assigned to me. It will have to be something sensible and light in calories. Now as sick as this sounds I was waiting for a moment like this. I needed to break down my wall and bring up the emotions I just stuffed down with high carbs covered in cream cheese. Heres what I realized after 1.5 hours of making myself be honest:

I am not confident that I can make the progress I need to.

I am afraid I will fail and any and all hard work I put into it won't matter.

I don't know how to really express my anger and frustration with life in general.

When I snap at my boyfriend I am not really mad at him, I am unhappy with myself and feel guilty for taking it out on him, and run to the fridge shortly after.

The bills and figuring out how to make ends meet is sometimes overwhelming, I feel like we are in a hole and the ladder is at the top out of reach some days.

I feel guilty I am on stress leave and going to school soon when I could be working, making more money then I do on government "sick" pay.

Of course now that I have broken all that down, tears snot and tissues litter the desk, what do I do next? Breathe. 1,2,3 and breathe. Lets reframe these thoughts.

There is no reason I cannot reach my fitness goals if I am committed.

I need to remember I am a work in progress, not a failure, and even if I have a bad day I can't take it out on someone else.

The bills will get paid , even though it's not as fast as I would like.

There is no reason to feel guilty about being on stress leave, my doctors feel I need this time. And so do I. I know I need to use the time given so that I can handle stress at work and at home. These next 6 months are to help me heal inside and out.

I may have difficulty expressing anger and frustration now, but it won't always be like that, I will learn.

If it seemed like I was talking to myself, I was, but I wanted to write it down, document this conversation with myself. Remind myself that I can DO this and I have every right to take the time I need to heal and I shouldn't feel guilty about it. I hope your Monday is better, and if you self reflect I hope it helps you on your journey as it is little by little helping mine.

xoxo

Mrs. Crumpet

Weekly Update

So this week has been interesting, but thats ok. I have a physical tomorrow at 9 am, that should be humiliating. I dunno I get weirded out by stuff like that. Anyways, so far so good, my eating is being tracked, I exercised 5 days this week and my trainer is kicking my ass! I emailed Allan my weekly weigh in for his challenge, and well I wasnt impressed by the results 1.8 lbs, but that's my fault not the diet/challenge I know, but it's my first week and as this is a learning curve for me and lifestyle change; I will just tweak my habits for better results. I drink about a gallon of water a day and stay within my calorie limit. So really what I need is better quality food, which I have now because I went shopping! Thank you Allan for your list I used it to shop for better things. Sucks living pay check by pay check but meh it is what it is. Also I am going to take Allans advice on another blog "Can we try eggs or egg substitutes for breakfasts. The high crab mornings are slowing you down !! No flour or refined sugar before 2PM" This quote is from Tamzin's post here. I bought some eggs on the way home from the gym and will drink my coffee black, which I used to until I got spoiled. Any comments on raw sugar though? Just wondering.


Well heres my weekly totals:

So from this and logging every day if I am going to succeed at SDDC I will have to eat better quality foods and that's just it, how I am eating regardless of being under caloric ideals isn't working.

I hope everyone has had a great week and that their weekend was relaxing and they met their personal goals!

xoxox

Mrs. Crumpet

Homework from my Therapist and other stuff..

First off I just want to apologize there were a couple people expecting me to post my homework yesterday and were looking forward to it and I didn't. My cat, by the looks of it ingested some anti freeze according to the vet. There isn't much that can be done for him, except make sure he drinks as much water as possible.The good news is, its most likely a small enough amount that causes him to get sick, and not die. I am really hoping not as he was my first friend I had when I moved to Canada and didn't really know anyone. So I am crossing my fingers.

O.k Now on to the homework. First I am going to talk a little bit about Neurolinguistic programming or "NLP". This is how it was explained to me: We know that we have the logic side of our brains (right side) and the creative or emotions part (left side). The idea of this type of therapy is that when you have a negative thought about yourselves, the world, or life in general, you touch your left wrist, or left temple of the forehead, tell yourself to "Stop" then touch the right side, and like pressing play, you activate the right side of your brain and logic kicks in, so this would be where you would use empowering thoughts. The reason this works is because when ever your touch one side of you you're activating that side of the brain, which in turn helps you control your negative thoughts and switch over to empowering. This has worked for me and helped me have more positive then negative thoughts, but just like losing weight and changing eating behaviors I am changing mental behaviors as well.

OK, so here is what I learned yesterday which is gonna help with weight loss, Kim is helping with my emotions and this journey too. O.k this is called Neuroassociations this is where we match up pain and pleasure.For example in the realm of someone trying to lose weight: 

Pleasure---------> Junk food, anything that is unhealthy but I binge on .

Pain---- Losing weight, working out, the hard work needed to do this.

This is why I binge, and probably most people do. We associate food with pleasure therefore are drawn to that. So the idea is switching the two.

Pleasure------> working out, being healthy

Pain------> Junk food, unhealthy food choices.

So here is what I am working on this week and what the process of switching them entails.

For weight loss and working out being pleasure, think about how it makes you feel in the end, clothes fitting loser, imagine the body you want and believe that its already you.

For associating the junk food into pain: Flash cards. I have to make up flash cards of all the unhealthy food I find pleasure in and make it disgusting and unappealing as possible. So I take a flash card with a picture of a bag of chips for example and on the back write down all the ugly thoughts about my weight gain are, so I associate those feelings of being over weight to the food that is unhealthy. Now if you choose to do this, you need to be honest, really write out on those cards all the negative thoughts feelings on those cards so that you can make it as unappealing as possible to you. For example a couple of mine are:

• Hating the image I see in the mirror, seeing that roll of fat over my my pants and looking like I am pregnant when I am not.
• Feeling uncomfortable whenever I have to sit close to someone, or sitting in chairs I can barely fit my hips in.
• Not being able to zip up any of my winter jackets and feeling like such a tub of lard about it, stretch pants feeling tight and realizing that pants that fit a month ago don't.

Your brain needs a direction to go, a map to go by. It needs direction and I am directing mine where I want it to go. This is a long post so I will save the other 2 homework assignments for a later date.

BTW I have stayed under my calorie intake and lost 1.5 pounds so far!!!! though the one that counts for Allan will be on Sunday, we will see then,

Hope you have an amazing weekend and happy thanksgiving to my American friends! I am off to go kick my own ass at the gym!

xox. Mrs. Crumpet

You Can Fly a kite Mother Nature!!

Not that any of you need to know this but its my time of the month, ohh yes mother nature said hello this morning. I had already vowed that I would go to the gym as planned last night. I was cranky, crampy and tired as hell, she tried all her evil tricks to keep me from going, I had a nap around 730 am because I was tired ( I was up at 4 am) and woke up at 9am. I got my coffee, popped some tylonal. She still tried with the cramps and crankiness, but I told her to fly a kite. I waited till it was a bit warmer, around noon I was ready and headed out the door. I walked up to the gym, up 3 hills and cold. LOL! Mother nature sucks, outside too! Well I made it, did 30 minutes treadmill, and weight training focusing on arms today, sweated lots, yay me lol.

I also stayed within my calorie limit. I am too tired to do the screen shot today. Thank you Allan for your lists, I made a grocery list based around it for Saturday! I am eating some of the foods that I can as well. Like I had a veggie burger for dinner tonight woo it was yummy!


Hope you all had a good day, if the weather was like today Ill make another trip to the gym, might as well save the home work outs when its too cold to walk outside!

xox
Mrs. Crumpet

Today was o.k

I am logging everything I eat, and let me tell you, what a difference! I don't think I have been this aware with what I put in my body. I went a few calories over what Allen had given me, but that's o.k. ( Allen kick my ass after lemme explain.) Because I logged everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, I was able to see where my eating was lacking nutrition wise and where it needed to be cut back. My calorie intake was stupidly close, like one granola bar, or even if I  skipped the Tetley tea water mix  I would have nailed it. Lesson learned there, be mindful.

As you can tell my fats need to come WAAAY down and as a vegetarian it's really important that my protein goes up, I never thought it was that bad until I saw this. 2152 cals today out of 2145 allotted amount by Allen, stupidly close as I said. This was my first day and I love this spread sheet!  So with this in mind I realize what needs to be changed, though my big grocery run isn't until Saturday I can tweak with what I have on hand for now.

All in all not a horrible day, exercise I did my squats (20), some more crunches (20) and 20 minutes with my pilates work out dvd, not an intense day but I am not gonna be mad about it either.

Hope you all had a good Monday, as good as Mondays can be at least.
I am off to bed I am sleepy.

Ohh yea and water so far I have had 100/125 oz today and we'll have more before I actually pass out to meet the quota for today.

gnight, xox
Mrs. Crumpet

Edit: I messed up on my calorie count. I am not as high as I thought  I was. Pizza was 210 a slice not 420, I doubled it on my paper beforehand bc I had 2 slices and I forgot, so I doubled it again. Also I finished the pancakes I had, so i adjusted the calorie count on that because I finished my plate. And I drank My water. Not bad for a first day I feel better I am under my calorie count instead of over it, even if it was only 7 calories.

 

Odd morning...

I woke up a little while ago and I wasn't hungry, lately I am starving when I wake up. I am guessing because I started with 591 ml of water and had 2 cups of coffee my tummy is full. I did however have one fiber one granola bar to put something other then liquid in my tummy.

On a higher note I have joined the DDDYC challenge by Allen. He emailed me my target cal intake and I am to weigh in on Sunday. Which works out, so first official weigh in this coming Sunday! This also works because a wonderful person Tamzin was nice enough to share her excel sheet with me, today was my first day using it! I adore it, it really helps me be aware of what I am putting in my body! Tonight I'll put a screen shot of my first day! And generally tell you all how said day went.

I am working out at home, doing pilates and cleaning house, as well as some weight training. Tomorrow is gym for cardio and elliptical. I like to do alternate days so I don't get bored.

xox Take care!
Mrs. Crumpet

Gym time!! ohh how I missed you!

I went to the gym today and feel amazing, I am so glad I pulled myself together and went. Running on the treadmill was great I felt so happy again as soon as my workout was done. Granted instead of my usual 30-35 minutes I did 20, but it was my first day back in weeks, and to be honest I don't think I stretched as much as I should so I was definitely stiffer on it then I should have been.I have had so much on my mind lately that I needed it badly, I am just glad I got out of my rut enough to go, once I was there it was like all my worries were gone.They didn't exist.

Here is what I did:

20 minutes on the treadmill ( 10 min jogging 10 minutes walking at a brisk pace)
45 Crunches
3 sets of 10 Bicep exersises  with an 8 lb weight.
3 sets of 10 Tricep exercises with an 8 lb weight
Various stretching for my legs before and after
3 sets of 5 on the leg extension machine 15 lbs each leg
4 sets of 5 on the leg curl machine 15lbs.

Journey home about 1 1/2 miles. I got a ride there, which is probably why I got enough determination to go. But now I am back into it so walking to the gym wont be so bad except for the cold.

Now my eatinig today was less then ideal, I binged granted not to the extent that I used to, but still I know it was a lot of food.Wish I was good at portion control and as happy about it as I am about exercising.

The shame list:

2 cups of fiber one cereal with 1% milk
2 pieces of toast. ( my morning started out decent)

And then it begins...

3 pieces of vegitarian pizza for lunch
roughly  1 serving of lays potato chips I barely stopped myself from polishing off that bag, quickly passed it to my hubby before I changed my mind.
1 Fiber one granola bar  this slight binge was spread over maybe 2 hours.

Dinner:
1 container of safeway deli broccoli and cheese soup 641ml!!! That's alot!
1 ceaser side salad.
1 serving of meat loaf. I didnt feel good after that, it smelled so good, but haven't had meat in a while so my body kinda went WTF?! ( I am vegetarian normally because eating meat actually makes me feel ill and feels like a brick in my tummy and I hate that. if that makes sense.) So I stay away from meat and eat eggs and occasionally tuna.
1 toasted cheese sandwich with butter. This binge lasted about 2 1/2 hrs.


Yuck, but tomorrow is another day.

Now until dinner it didn't seem that much once I wrote it all out, but because it was lumped together into "big meals" for lack of a better word, by the end of it I felt bloated and gross. Like now, because its shortly after dinner.

Well thank you for reading my confession, it wasn't the best of days emotionally but tomorrow I am going to the gym instead of the fridge. :)

Hope you all are doing better than me!

xox

Mrs. Crumpet

10 Tiny Changes, More Homework from my therapist....

Hello Everyone,

I decided to share yet another piece of homework from Kim! This one is called 10 Tiny changes and basically what you do is list 10 things you'd like to change or things that you want to do that requires change. They can be as insignificant as " I want to buy new sheets." Or as big as " I want to lose 50 lbs." It's up to you as to what changes you want to make in your life, big or small.


Here are mine in no particular order:


1) I want to eat healthier. (this is already happening, I like reminding myself.)
2) I want to lose weight.
3) I want to get the bike of my dreams. My goal is by spring.
4) I want to redecorate my house.
5) I want to go to school.
6) I want to explore more of the bike trails nearby.
7) I want to travel back to the states and visit my family.
8) I want to make long-term healthy changes.
9) I want to set a time each day to read, even if its just one chapter a day.
10) I want to realize my own self worth ( Kim is helping me with this. )


As you probably figured out, along with my physical health I am working on my mental health simultaneously. For me this is important because a lot of my weight gain has do with the emotional baggage I carry and to fix my weight I have to acknowledge and face the demons within me.
I share it because I realize that most people that read this, work, are mothers and generally have busy lives and may not have the time to see someone. I am on stress leave for 6 months and find myself lucky for the time I have been given to fix me. I am not a Dr. but I will share with you these assignments I am given to help me find my self worth as a person and achieve the goals I have set. And maybe somewhere along the way I can help someone else.


I am currently reading a book called What is your self-worth? By Cheryl Saban PhD
That is a link to her site with lots of information, I happened to find the book at walmart roughly $18.00.


My day was mostly uneventful though I didnt make the healthiest choice for lunch: 2 1/2 egg sandwiches with margarine and light kraft singles cheese . I suppose it could have been worse. :). I have done worse, I know this, still sucks though that I swayed off track.


Hope you are all doing well.


xox
Mrs. Crumpet

Not the best of mornings..

I go woken up ridiculously early by my boyfriend, who once he saw the groggy dirty look on my face kept telling me he had the best of intentions. This is our weekend and apparently it was too much to ask to wake up at 8am, so here I sit groggy, sipping on coffee writing.

On a higher note I got my gym membership back, so I am quite happy about this. Financial times earlier made it a bit harder to afford. But now I am back and on the right track. The only thing that makes it a bit difficult is that I normally walk to the gym, and well its supposed to snow for seven days according to the weather man. I also live in Canada so it will be -30 degrees soon and that my dears is not a joy to walk in. I was thinking though as a solution to this issue maybe setting up some kind of deal with the local cab company to take me to the gym and pick me up after my work-out when it is too cold to walk. We shall see.


Alright now to business:


Breakfast: 1 cup of fiber one cereal, 1/2 cup of milk. and 2 pieces of toast.
Lunch: 1 ceaser side salad and a veggie sandwhich. Handful of peanuts 11: 30
Snack: 1 Fiber one Granola Bar 2:30
Dinner: Thin crust Veggie Pizza (frozen) 1-2 slices. Salad or soup on the side. Undecided as too which, too early in the morning.


Morning Picture:

Going to do various daily pictures to show progress. will post some.

 Have a great day everyone, hopefully yours started better then mine, but now everything is coming together as my routine is falling into place. Oh also I joined this contest by an awesome blogger named:Girl in a rut, AKA Tasha. She has awesome giveaways, read her blog and join the contest, though I am gonna be selfish and root for me because I want the pink cutlery set and snack pack lmao! But seriously check it out!


xox
Mrs. Crumpet

Positive self-talk: Homework from my therapist...

I have been seeing a therapist for the past month and a half now, her name is Kim and I adore her to bits, well she gives me "Homework" every session and I thought I would share, not just because blogging will help me actually do it, but maybe you can apply it in your own lives.

O.K here is how it works; she wants me to write 5 positive things about myself, the world and the future, and if you would like to do this exersise then you would have to do the same. Here it goes:

Five positive things about me:
1) I can make almost anybody laugh
2) I am silly.
3) I am intelligent.
4) I am determined/Stubborn. **
5) I am adventurous.

** Now the reason I chose determined/stubborn is because in most cases I am, though to be honest I have never applied such an ability to my physical health. I came to the most logical question I could ask myself: "Why haven't I?". I think if I am gonna reach my goal I need to really use this attribute of mine to a healthier advantage.

As I was going down the list the inevitable thoughts came up:
" How do you know you are this?"
"That sounds pretty concieted"

And I let those thoughts go because that's what this exercise is about, allowing ourselves to have pride and love and accept who we are. Yay I think I am getting this! O.K on to the next:

5 positive views on the world:
1) It's beautiful when the Christmas lights come out.
2) When it snows and the world looks as if its airbrushed in white.
3)I love it in cold mornings and you can smell the fireplaces.
4) sunrises, love watching the sun come up.
5) The supportive people around me that have encouraged  and inspired me to come and face my worst demon, me.

Now I am not entirely sure if this is what was meant by views, but it's how I interpreted it, feel free to of course interpret it differently if you decide to do this.

5 Positive things about the future:
1) I am going to have a healthy and fit lifestyle.
2) The future will be financially stable.
3) I will have a job I am happy in and have pride doing.
4) Living happily with my supportive and loving boyfriend.
5) Living in a happy place we call home.

Feel free as I said to try this exercise, and I will share more "homework" along the way in case there is more you'd like to try! I believe that if I am going to achieve my goal, I need to work on the inside and out!!

As always, thank you for reading!!!

xox
Mrs. Crumpet

Christmas Lights and Snow!!!!

I understand this may be a little off topic but I love snow, and I absolutly adore christmas lights! Anyway it had really snowed lastnight we got about a foot of snow, its lovely.

Well I have an 8 month old Pomeranian named Snacks, today was his first snow day! Here are some pictures, I hope they brighten your day up as they did mine. :)

On to plan for the day,

I am gonna have a couple eggs and toast for breakfast
Lunch will be leftover bean burritto and maybe a handful of grapes
And for dinner Tuna Helper

Excersise for the day
30 Crunches
30 Squats
Weight training for biceps and arms
Speed walk on the trails with Snacks (my dog ;) )

Hope you all have a wonderful day!

xoxo
Mrs. Crumpet

This was a setback, not a failure...Confession time

So here we go, now that my introductory blog is up:

Today was interesting to say the least, I had this odd craving for sweets, and yes despite the size I am at right now sweets are an odd craving for me!!

Anyways, before I built this blog I had 2 Oh Henry bars for breakfast. yes that was fantastic, and you know; I realized that I didn't even feel good after I ate them. It was satisfying while eating them, but when I was finished I knew I was only contributing to the problem.

So I am taking a new approach on food, the classic "Will this satisfy me after and will I feel good inside about this choice?" approach. I know I have a lot of issues with food, and though working with those issues in counseling has helped, putting things in practice is better. It's going to be a bumpy road especially when I get stressed I often turn to food, and when that happens, none of those choices are even remotely healthy.Looking back on those moments I binged I always felt worse in the end, because I knew that what I was doing was unhealthy and that if I wanted to lose weight so badly these behaviors would only set me back.

Moving on, while I was running my errands for the day I felt hunger, and I am not talking my usual " I am bored" hunger, but actual hunger. And let me tell you my dear readers I have not felt this in a long time! So I went to my local Safeway and normally when I am hungry and grocery shop I make some of my most unhealthy choices, but after this morning I decided to make some better ones:

For lunch: I bought a side Ceaser Salad and a 6" veggin out sandwich.( all veggies on that sandwich and it was delicious.)

For a snack later I bought a bag of green grapes and I bought my veggie patties to have with dinner.

Well something amazing happened, I ate my salad first and took my time, then I started to eat my sandwich pacing myself, knowing if I inhale my food I will eat more then I need. Well I only could eat half the sandwich, well to some of you you might think oh well that's nothing. Well normally if I get a sub sandwich from the deli its a 12" and I will eat it in one sitting. So I feel amazing, and despite my morning I know that my lunch was good and I feel happy about myself and genuinely full!

I hope you are all having a good day, and remember; as a very wise woman once said, binges or bad choices are just set backs, you can make a new choice the very same day, and no matter how long the binge lasts you CAN get back on track, sooner is better then later of course, but its never a reason to throw in the towel on your goals!

xoxo
Mrs.Crumpet

And It Begins...

              First of all I would like to thank all those before me that have done this; it is such a brave thing to do to post something you are ashamed of, or just not that proud of. These women especially a certain woman, who I will make mention later and have her in my blogs of note, have inspired me to do the same.

           One thing I have noticed in all the blogs I have read similar to the one I am making is that they became accountable for their actions. Now it is my turn, there is no one making me this way, or forcing me to make the choices I do. In making this blog I hope to meet people that will make sure I stay on track. By facing what I have done to myself, posting it in a public way and saying that I am going to do something about it will hopefully help me; as it has for so many others.

            Now, on to business:
Hieght: 5'4"
Weight: 250 lbs 

I will add measurements later when I get a tape measure.

Approx 265 lbs highest weight ever!!

11/17/2010 250 lbs Same shirt as the pic taken in Jan. Fits a bit looser.

11/17/2010 250 lbs Same shirt as the pic taken in Jan. Fits a bit looser.

I am currently going to the gym, 3x a week with cardio.
I am using weights at home and I am doing Pilates.

I think this is a good start, but it's not the start I am worried about, it's sticking with it. I want this bad, I want to be able to go kayaking with my husband without feeling like a beached whale, and so I will let my drive to want to do more activities with him feed my determination. And with the help of readers I know I can do this!

Thank you for reading!
Mrs. Crumpet