Mindless eating and self reflection..

I started to binge mindlessly eat. Heres what I have eating today thus far to start the post off.

• 3 eggs
• 1 cup of coffee
• granola bar
• protein shake
• granola bar
• 10 crackers
• 2 tbsp of Homus
• 40ish chips
• 2 Tbsp of Light Cream cheese
• 1 piece of bread with Cream cheese
• 6 hot wings

That is it so far but when it ended it was about 3pm and I know I will be hungry at dinner time which is around 6pm. This totals out to be 2136 well over my personal caloric idea, and by dinner over the one Allan assigned to me. It will have to be something sensible and light in calories. Now as sick as this sounds I was waiting for a moment like this. I needed to break down my wall and bring up the emotions I just stuffed down with high carbs covered in cream cheese. Heres what I realized after 1.5 hours of making myself be honest:

I am not confident that I can make the progress I need to.

I am afraid I will fail and any and all hard work I put into it won't matter.

I don't know how to really express my anger and frustration with life in general.

When I snap at my boyfriend I am not really mad at him, I am unhappy with myself and feel guilty for taking it out on him, and run to the fridge shortly after.

The bills and figuring out how to make ends meet is sometimes overwhelming, I feel like we are in a hole and the ladder is at the top out of reach some days.

I feel guilty I am on stress leave and going to school soon when I could be working, making more money then I do on government "sick" pay.

Of course now that I have broken all that down, tears snot and tissues litter the desk, what do I do next? Breathe. 1,2,3 and breathe. Lets reframe these thoughts.

There is no reason I cannot reach my fitness goals if I am committed.

I need to remember I am a work in progress, not a failure, and even if I have a bad day I can't take it out on someone else.

The bills will get paid , even though it's not as fast as I would like.

There is no reason to feel guilty about being on stress leave, my doctors feel I need this time. And so do I. I know I need to use the time given so that I can handle stress at work and at home. These next 6 months are to help me heal inside and out.

I may have difficulty expressing anger and frustration now, but it won't always be like that, I will learn.

If it seemed like I was talking to myself, I was, but I wanted to write it down, document this conversation with myself. Remind myself that I can DO this and I have every right to take the time I need to heal and I shouldn't feel guilty about it. I hope your Monday is better, and if you self reflect I hope it helps you on your journey as it is little by little helping mine.

xoxo

Mrs. Crumpet